Everyday I’m Hustlin’
Okay not really. Only people with lives hustle. And I don’t have one. And it’s been bothering me lately. All I do is go to school and go to dance and come home. Nothing else. Isn’t that sad?? But I think my problems go farther than not having very many friends. Though that adds to it. I’m having these issues with myself. I don’t think I know who I am anymore. Which is a problem. And my self confidence has hit rock bottom. I used to never care what other people thought of me. Now it seems like it’s all I’m concerned about. I wonder all the time whether people are talking about me or if they like my hair that day or if they’re staring at me. In reality, people don’t really care what I’m doing or wearing or saying. Which kind of depresses me that so few people are concerned with me. It’s an endless vicious cycle.
And you know, part of my problems I think stem more from the fact that I don’t like myself right now. So I’ve convinced myself that no one else does either. I mean, multiple people have said that I mope around. And when I think about it, the friendships that I used to have I don’t have anymore because of stuff that I’ve done. So really, all my problems I brought on myself.
Isn’t that pathetic?
And my relationship with my best friend is finally back on solid ground which is good because she’s very nearly all I have. So when that friendship is crumbling, so is life. Because whether she knows it or not, she has the ability to tear my life apart if she wanted. And that’s scary.
Sometimes, the only thing I want is to be happy again. Happy like I used to be. It’s funny how you never realize how happy you truly are until your happiness is gone.
So there it is. That’s what’s on my mind for 90% of every day. But I’m finished talking about it for now. Thank God right?
