You Probably Don’t Want to Read This One
So now everything’s out in the open. I know everything. Well, most of everything. And I know that I was right, that I wasn’t paranoid. But I just want you to understand how awful it was. I was so convinced it was all my fault because you always told me that I was making it bad. You always told me that I would come up with reasons for it to be wrong. I started believing it. I would believe everything you would tell me. I believed that I complained waaay too much. I believed it was my fault. I believed that I wanted things to be wrong. I picked myself apart trying to find every fault I had so that I could fix them so that maybe, just maybe, you wouldn’t hate me anymore.
I diagramed every argument we would have and find every little place I went wrong so I could fix it for next time.
I convinced myself that I was crap and that the reason you didn’t want to be around me was because of myself. Because of stuff I’d done.
And then you would tell me that you still wanted to be my friend and that I was your favorite… even though I wasn’t.
You said you didn’t want to tell me that I wasn’t your best friend because you didn’t want to hurt me, but I had to watch it everyday. You never told me you liked them better, but you really didn’t have to. I saw it. I saw it every single day and it drove me insane. Every time felt like you drove a knife deeper into my back.
I had no confidence and sense of self-worth. There was hardly a night when I wouldn’t stay up until midnight crying my eyes out and trying to figure out what I did. What I said that time to make you blow up on me. Where I went wrong.
I know I’ve done it to you. I’ve made you miserable and I’m sorry. And I want you to know that during all those times you were miserable there was never a day that went by that I didn’t want to be your best friend. I always wanted you as my best friend, even if it didn’t seem like it. I did.
This will sound awful, but right now, I just want you to feel as awful for doing it as I did while going through it. For just five minutes, I want you to try to feel abslutely miserable with guilt for what happened. Just five minutes. Try to understand what I went through. Imagine the person you needed the most not even wanting to be around you.
It’s going to be so extremely hard to break this cycle but I’m going to try. I could treat you the way you treated me and it be an endless circle, but that has to stop. Sometimes all I want is to put you through half of what I had to go through every day, but I’m not. Because at the end of the day, I really don’t want you to be unhappy.
At least you didn’t break your promise. You promised you’d never leave. I just wish you’d promised you’d never hurt me.
But now I’m done. I’m done being angry, I’m done laying on the guilt, I’m done crying. I’m ready now to make things the way they ought to be. With me and you BFFs and hanging out on the weekends and talking and laughing like we’re supposed to. I’m ready to forget the past and look for the future. Forgiveness will take work, but it’s going to happen. I feel confident.
It’s already started, actually.
